what i planned to do this summer
- paint and make art
- hang out with friends
what i actually did
- ruined every friendship i have
Eu provavelmente não vou querer conhecer ninguém por um bom tempo, então não crie falsas esperanças.
Here’s the thing. He is nearly 30. He is stuck with a job who pays him very bad for all the work he does there. Right now he’s struggling to keep supporting himself financially. Thanks to that we’ve been distant for a while. We talked very little and we were both unhappy with our situation (in my case all the depression with not getting a job, hating college and not being able to start my transition). To me, the only thing that ever made me happy was to have someone I could talk to about everything. Someone who would support me and make me happy. He was the only thing in my life that made me want to keep living. His love helped me get up from bed and face my days.
But I was hurting him because he felt like he wasn’t advancing in life. He felt like he had to change and start his life already. And he said that the more he thought about it, it wasn’t with me. I can’t really blame him. We were together for two years and I kept promising I’d visit him soon and it never happened. I’ll admit that I was afraid. Afraid that he wouldn’t like to see me like I look everyday. Pictures are different because you can dress up and put on some make up and try different angles and take as many pictures as needed to get a good one. But he’d see me in person with all my flaws exposed. It’s part of the reason why I couldn’t get courage enough to visit him (even though he had seen my flaws before, I’m just a stubborn idiot who’s too self conscious to believe in anyone when it comes to my appearance). That and the lack of money for the tickets.
I made him wait too long and I’m not what he needs. I’ve always knew he was too good for me, but now I’m sure of it. Despite feeling terrible and wanting to disappear, I want at least him to be happy. He deserves it for all that he went through. I’m just sad I couldn’t make one thing in my life work out. The only thing that made it worth living…
Distância foi o maior problema. Na verdade eu fui. Se eu tivesse visitado ele ao menos um ano atrás, isso não estaria acontecendo…
Thank you. I just don’t want to find someone else.
It’s all right, Rose. Thanks for the support.
Could be. I don’t blame my boyfriend for dumping me. If you’re somehow annoyed by how self conscious I am, just stop following me. Simples as that.
I’m not a good artist myself, I recommend you to ask for advice from experienced people. All I can tell you is to keep drawing and analyze what you dislike about your art. Try to change some things and just keep practicing.
I won’t straighten my hair. I’d look terrible. Even more terrible I mean. Thanks though.